Mascot Madness

When I was a kid, before I could understand the importance of game statistics or appreciate a good offensive play, I liked to imagine real-life battles between team mascots. It didn't matter to me whether it was professional sports or college teams, I was always interested in the mascot and what it represented.

Penn State University has a unique wild cat as its mascot, the "nittany lion," named after Mount Nittany in central Pennsylvania, the same location as main campus. Lions are fierce creatures with a reputation for being the kings of all beasts. Good choice for a mascot if you want your college team to reflect strength and majesty. But then, I got to thinking about other universities and their mascots. So I did an online search and found some mascots that seem totally ridiculous to me. These mascots wouldn't stand a chance against a lion.

"Artie the Fighting Artichoke"
Scottsdale Community College
Seriously, an artichoke? Who thought a vegetable would make a good mascot? Adding the word "fighting" to the mascot's name doesn't make it fierce. It's a vegetable, for goodness sake! The only thing truly aggressive about a vegetable is if it gives you heartburn. And for team sports, you don't want a mascot with a name that contains the word "choke" in it.

"Colonel Ebirt"
College of William & Mary
Who or what is "Colonel Ebirt"? Ebirt is apparently the backward spelling of "tribe," which is what the students at W&M seem to consider themselves. Fine, I can accept that, but what the heck is the deal with a green blob in a colonial uniform? What is that mascot suppose to represent? A snot!? Sorry, but you fail.

"Gaylord"
Campbell University
A camel as a mascot? Well, it makes sense for a cigarette company called "CAMELS," but an American university? I'm not impressed, but what's up with the mascot's name "Gaylord"? As Charlie Brown would say, "Oh, good grief!"

"Purple Cow"
Williams College
A lion is fierce, but a cow? Not a chance. The cow is dinner. Serve it up. But what makes this college mascot worse is the choice of colors: gold and purple. Look at the mascot logo and ask yourself, does this cow think it's a bull? Talk about issues with gender identity. I don't think I could play sports for a team calling itself the "Purple Cows."

"Sammy the Slug"
University of California, Santa Cruz
Not sure what the lowest form of life on earth could be, but I'm sure a slug must be somewhere on the top of that list. Slimy slugs do not make for inspiring mascots. As if that wasn't bad enough, the costumed critter looks like the hideous love child of Jar-Jar Binks and Jabba the Hutt (there's one for you Star Wars fans). Sorry, but Sammy the Slug simply sucks!

So to all you pretenders, take your slimy veggie purple blob dromedaries and make a last stand, but I'll keep my mascot and roar with pride everytime my team takes the court or field. I am...a Penn State Nittany Lion. Fierce!

~Andrew K.